Eternal Love

What I’m about to tell you is a story, a story of my journey with Joey.

I met Joey 3 years ago right when he moved to Vegas.. This November would of been 4 years of solid friendship.. When we met we instantly clicked. We bonded so quickly that it was weird for both of us since we were both the same person with the same background and the same feelings about meeting people. For some reason we just knew by instinct that we were both good for each other and could be great friends, and that is exactly what happened.. Joey reminded me of exactly who I was growing up. The way he acted the way he talked the things he did. There were very few things I didn’t agree with that he did.

When I first met Joey I was going through a very tough time with family and relationships and had just moved back to Vegas. He provided an escape from reality for me. He knew I was always working and never gave myself a break and he was the only one I really let get me out. My thank you in return for that was making sure he had someone to talk to and someone he could trust and rely on. He had major trust issues..

Without saying too much, Joey and I  were both abused growing up and it affected us both in different ways but I managed to leave my past behind and grow from it, that’s where Joey struggled. He wasn’t allowing growth because of his pain and that’s something I understood completely.. Joey had difficulties doing that and almost always resorted to anger to feel better.. Because of that, I want to apologize to anyone he ever hurt or caused any pain to because it wasn’t intentional it was just his defense.. He felt it was easier to hurt someone else that he felt could care less about him before they had the opportunity to hurt him. He felt disposable by people so it was always easier to lash out instead of take anything further with random people he came across…

We invested our hearts in one another and a love grew so strong that not one person came close to that it. He had a clear shot to my heart and he took it. He had my heart anchored to him and I refused to ever retreat it from him because I knew that he was one I could truly trust with it so I gave it to him to keep.. This is all how the bond formed.

Joey never had parents to talk to and that’s something he always longed for. So I introduced him to my mom and brother so he could feel a little more loved, I know he needed that.. He was searching for love in all the wrong places and doing things to try and bury that feeling but the more he buried it the more it would surface and become more apparent what it was he truly wanted which was to be taken care of and be loved, just like any child would want.. Often times he would get close to people and really push them away. There were very very few people he didn’t push away. He was just scared, brave but scared at the same time.

Joey was extremely loyal to his loved ones. He would take the shirt off his back to make sure you were warm, he would always make sure to be with you if you were going through a tough time and if it was winter time and he needed a cigarette and wanted you to go outside with him he would make sure to get a blanket so you weren’t cold. We would cuddle in the cold outside under a blanket laughing about stupid things. He was one of the few to truly know how to make me laugh at just about anything he said.. He had a way with words.

His façade was so on point that you would never really think he had any issues. But behind it was a boy trying to grow and find meaning to his life and where he was going.. Often times it felt like parenting a child.  Joey followed some of the things I would do and the steps I took and I think it’s because I always explained to him everything and why I was doing what I was doing, what would get you ahead in life and what wouldn’t, who cares about you and who doesn’t. I’d counsel him constantly and try to figure out where his head was with all his problems, that was my biggest concern. It was always an ongoing battle but I was always so patient with him, the patience I provided with him was endless just to make sure he was ok.. He needed guidance and there was no way in hell you could ever tell him to do something. You needed to lead him, not tell him what to do, so that’s the approach I took with him and how I was able to get through to him most times.

He was beyond talented with so much personality and the essence of his charisma was one I’ve never seen anyone top. There were plenty of the same people following trends and trying to be something they’re not but there was only one Joey in this world.. He was extremely quick with words and the first to catch you in any lie and lay into you. He didn’t put up with ANY shit.

He was very very tough and if he loved you, you could definitely feel it. He was happy if you were happy and if you were sad he would do something to make you happy. If someone was giving you a hard time he would get messy and make himself look like a fool before he let you get in a fight with someone. This is where rumors were spread about him being a mess because he stood up for so many people. He also defended himself constantly. Tons of people will talk and say they’ll do something but he was one to get things done if they were to be started and I wasn’t one to let him deal with all of it alone. I always stood up for him and got into many arguments with people who wanted to speak out against him when they didn’t know him.

I remember one night, we went to the Artisan and made friends with a group of straight people. We joined their table and the people who were at the club running their mouth about us being gay we had these straight dudes deal with. We managed to get them to bitch at everyone talking shit about us and just sat back laughing about it and meeting their friends. We rose hell, starting fires everywhere we went for the fun of it. We were thrill seekers, looking for the next adventure and only those who could hang could really handle us. I remember always telling him that he and I were like Bonnie and Clyde, our each others ride or die. It was always one of my favorite movies and it reminded me of how crazy as hell we were together.

And if you’re wondering where the wild obsession with Lana came from I’ll tell you about that too.

I picked Joey up from the Hilton one night when he was visiting because he had moved back to California at the time and came out to visit. I told him he should just come stay with me because I didn’t feel comfortable where he was sleeping that night. On the way to my house I asked him if he had ever heard of an artist named Lana Del Rey because at the time I was obsessed with Lana. He said he had heard of her but didn’t really want to listen to her because he knew everyone was going crazy about liking her and he didn’t want to follow what everyone was doing. At the time he was going through some relationship troubles so I told him “well I was listening to this song and I feel like you could relate to it right now” so I put on million dollar man for him and he instantly fell in love. That night we stopped by the store and picked up cookies and milk and watched the girl with the dragon tattoo at my place. We ate so many cookies he said he was cookied out and wasn’t eating cookies for a month. He really did eat almost all the cookies that night. Before bed he was looking up Lana songs for us to listen to and that’s when I knew he was hooked for sure. From that moment forward he spoke more about Lana then I ever did and made sure we would always be listening to her wherever we went.

Loneliness was non-existent when we would ride together, listening to the radio or playing video games, knowing one day we would be the lucky ones living in bel air. I understand we were all born to die but he was my million dollar man I couldn’t imagine living without. He was gentle and starry eyedliving in a dark paradise so dark he turned it into a black beauty. He didn’t want to wait any longer so he took off to the races in the land of gods and monsters where he would be with angels forever. He was vain and confident so he made sure to leave this world young and beautiful draped in blue velvet leaving his loved ones behind approaching a summertime sadness without him. We were two kids just trying to get out livin’ on the dark side of the American dream. We would dance all night, play our music loud. When we grew up, nothing was what it seemed.

We were very spontaneous and wherever we went we always put on a show, we were like each others co-stars. He was the Taurus to my Capricorn and the Venus to my Saturn, the world was our playground and the stars were our audience.. Not many people understood why we did the things we did but we didn’t give a shit if they understood, we didn’t care we just had fun. We were a force that couldn’t be stopped once we came in sync together.

I’ve never loved someone the way I loved him. It wasn’t physical what so ever it was pure heart and emotion.. It was a love I had never experienced, not even in a relationship. I never realized the true love I had for him until I started to write about it and really dig deep within myself. Joey was the first to ever truly see me for who I was entirely and be proud of me and what I was doing. I considered him home, I buried myself in him because of the fact I felt lonely and couldn’t get close to people without the fear of getting hurt again… An aching heart is never healthy and when you give your heart out, you are giving someone a piece of you and only the right people will truly hold that piece and handle it with care and love and help your heart grow. Others will take advantage and abuse it for selfish purposes. Joey set my heart on fire and got rid of any uncertain feelings I had..

We had the same way of loving and caring.. We have the heart and pride of a lion. We take care of our own and love unconditionally but more importantly, we loved and cared for each other.. If he was ever in any trouble I tried to always be there to take him home and to help calm him.. We were one person, just 2 bodies. There was absolutely no one that could relate to me and understand my head the way he did. He knew my insecurities and fears without me even saying anything. I helped stabilize his emotions and he helped un-numb and sort mine and we both had our own ways on doing it.. That’s how love should be, helping one another find balance.

Here was someone I had always dreamt of meeting, someone who loved me and cared for me and someone I literally did everything with. We were completely aware that we were both lonely but we knew as long as we had each other we would be fine and we always made that clear when we talked about it. We only had 2 fall outs and they never lasted long at all.. Other than that we never ever argued and rarely disagreed on things. We always met eye to eye on situations. If for any reason there was something we didn’t agree on that didn’t mean much we would quickly move on from it. Everything was mutual.

I never thought about what I was doing for certain holidays because I knew I was spending it with Joey. Our main holiday spent together was Thanksgiving. This past Thanksgiving was interesting because a friend of ours charred the turkey to hell so we ate stuffing and mashed potatoes. It was hilarious and we didn’t care, we were drinking that night anyways. He made sure to capture every important moment that meant something to me. He knew what certain things meant to me and made sure to capture everything just to show me he cared and loved me too..

We both were scared of being hurt but brave and sincere enough to love and we always did what we could to show someone we loved them but always ended up hurt because we never hurt the things we loved and protected.

I like to think of love as a rose

It’s an emotional and mental ride so whatever messes up in that relationship that’s critical it’s going to kill the rose by just that much. Either new petals grow with time or with time if nothing is accomplished or working out that rose dies. Once it’s dead you can’t bring it back. There might be hope to plant a new seed but don’t expect the same beautiful flower you once got because you won’t get the same one. Depending on how you water it and grow it will depend on how well its life span is but handle it with care and caution because otherwise you might grow a weed instead and not realize it..

After loving Joey like this and opening that door, I know now that being in love is the most beautiful thing anyone could experience with the right person. I was crazy about him in a best best friend way. He made me feel comfortable and secure. Something that was hard for me to find. I know he knew this and that’s why I made him my everything.

So now, to end this letter I just want to say that I forgive you Joey for the way you ended everything because I know you were in allot of pain and still felt lonely.. But I’m mad at you for leaving me.. Because I needed you. I needed you more then anything and losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with… You were my world and now I literally feel like a lost dog with no home in this world. I don’t wanna be home because my home was you.. I went to you when I needed comfort and love of any kind.. I have amazing friends but you were the closest thing I ever had, you were my Clyde…

I walk out to the living room and hope to see the sliding door mysteriously open again.. When I drive I look in my rearview mirror in hopes to see your silhouette in my back seat.. Whenever I go out I hope to see just a glimpse of you so I can smile. When I open my closet door to find what I’m going to wear for the day I gaze into the living room from my room in hopes that you’ll run by.. And that’s when it all hits me that I won’t be seeing you again.. At least not now..

You made me feel like someone and made me feel special and spoke so greatly about me. Something I always wanted was to feel appreciated and feel like I was someone and you made that happen for me even at times where I wasn’t shit… More then anything you made me so happy..

And now I stand here in front of all these people, some I know and some I don’t know exposing and pouring my heart out all in hopes that you can hear me and to show you how brave I am to completely let my defense down just once just to show you respect and to tell you how much I love you and how much you meant to me. I know I can’t bring you back but I hope that wherever you are you can hear me.. I hope that God has mercy on you and helps guide you where you need to go. I’ll be praying for you as much as I can.

I promise that the next time I give a big piece of my heart out to someone they will be someone that I know you would approve of since you knew my heart and knew who was best for me and who wasn’t.. If I never get married in the future I know I’ll be completely fine because I knew what it was like to love someone so dearly and lose them.. You provided me more then enough love and that’s what I always wanted.

As the curtains close on our show my promise to you is to continue to love you and carry your flame in my heart forever and to carry both of our torches to MY grave… I will keep my loyalty to you as a friend and I will make sure your family gets taken care of with you gone. I feel like you might be stuck in between worlds and because of that I will put my knowledge and understanding of the other side to good use and try to help you cross over.. Nothing is impossible to me so like a crucifix, I will hold the weight of both worlds and try my best to get you home to that happy place where you belong. I won’t try but I WILL try to help pave the way for you whichever way I can while alive and try to create some sort of home in the after life through thought and prayer and that is where I’ll meet you…

I can’t take away your pain anymore but I’ll continue to take bullets for you if anyone decides to shoot..

I love you Joey and I’m so sorry but after today I have to let you go for now… I’ll never stop missing and loving you, I’ll continue to try for you but I have to let go of what was once physical and come to terms that you’re not here anymore.. I need to let go of this overwhelming sadness I’ve never felt and come to terms that you’re gone.. I need to move on and continue to live for the both of us and I want you to find peace and happiness on your own while me here..  I’ll hold onto everything I felt while with you and cherish every single one of those feelings… I never got the chance to say this, but thank you. Thank you for helping me rebuild myself and helping me feel again… Thank you for showing me some of the best times a friend could ever ask for and for helping me actually live. May you rest in peace Joey and know that you forever will have the biggest piece of my heart.. I love you, goodbye for now friend..

Solitary Emotional State

It’s been a week my best friend died and I’m still in shock about it all.. I’ve cried every day and drank every day. I’ve been drinking responsibly and using it to just let my emotions out because for once I don’t want to be strong. When I’m sober I’m strong and focus well but when I’m having a hard time expressing the way I feel I resort to alcohol just to help the emotions flow a little better. I don’t like to rely on any substances because I like to be healthy for the most part but this is the one moment in my life that I’m going to choose to use alcohol as a way to help my emotions out here.. I’m trying to mourn and deal with this but I’m also having to deal with so many people saying terrible and vile things.. So I’m having to fight and cry and just feel so tormented..

I’ve always believed that when you die you leave this world and that’s it, you’re taken where you need to go… But, I woke up Saturday morning and called one of the guys that is helping put together the memorial and as I was on the phone with him I walked out to the living room to find the back sliding door open. At first I thought my brother had gone outside and let Meow Meow out because normally when the back sliding door is open its because she’s outside. I closed the door and finished up my conversation with him and then went to my brothers room and asked him why he left the back door open, he said he didn’t leave it open.. He said he had only been in the kitchen once and didn’t go back other than that. I called my mom and left her a voicemail telling her to call me so she called me back 25 min later and I asked her why she left the back sliding door open and she said she didn’t she said she opened the curtain but not the door… I then realized that it was Joey who came to visit and let me know he’s still around..

And then I remember all the stories my mom would tell me about when her friends would pass how they would do something to show her they’re around.

Growing up we had a neighbor who’s name was Sarah. She knew my step dad was abusive and rude so she would always bring my sister and I snacks if she saw us outside or she would invite us over. She was very sweet. She was old and she ended up dying and a couple of days later my mom told me she woke up in the middle of the night to the front door being open. She said she knew it was Sarah visiting. When she told me this story as I got older I didn’t really believe her. I’m a strong believer in christ and the paranormal but I just thought it could of been multiple things like the wind. But now that I’ve actually witnessed it, it has definitely sparked my curiosity as to why the spirits of people might do that and if the other side allows them to do that as a way to say they’re around or as a way of saying goodbye or something. The spirit world has rules just like earth does.

I think maybe Joey knows that I’m really sad and came to remind me he’s around?

I’ve felt so alone ever since he died.. Beyond lonely.. I wake up and open my blinds and just stare outside on the edge of my bed not sure exactly what I’m waiting to see and just wondering what’s going on. I walk out to the living room and hope to see the sliding door open again.. When I drive I look in my rearview mirror in hopes to see his silhouette in my back seat.. When I walk and stare into a far distance, I hope to see just a glimpse of him. When I open my closet door I stare into the living room from my room in hopes that he’ll run by or surprise me.. And that’s when it all hits me that I won’t be seeing him again..

Birthday weekend

I’ve barely been sleeping and have barely been home. I’ve never dealt with such a heartbreaking depression in my whole life, not even from the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve always been really tough, the strong one and have always  kept my head above water but this is something I have never had happen to me.. It’s a pain that just keeps twisting and at any given moment I start crying.. It’s awful.. I’m always so happy and cheerful and trying to inspire happiness in everyone around me.. I’m having difficulties wondering when I’ll learn to cope with his loss.. I’ve got an idea on how to start to slowly help myself but it’s going to take some time.. Allot of time.. I just think this is my break to just let everything I feel hit me and let my emotions flow freely..

I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and has reached out to me to see how I’m doing with everything.. I apologize for not responding to everyone but I read everything and greatly appreciate all of the love and support.. This is all just so new to me and it’s really rocking me so I’m trying to just hold it together and take it all in doses..

I’ll be posting more later on once I piece everything together more..

I love you all, thank you..

Farewell letter

I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted..

March 3rd was Laurie’s awakening and Today March 4th was her burial.. All I have to say is that I’m so proud of my friend Matty for putting everything together the way he did.. He did an amazing job working on everything. I feel honored to have known his amazing mother who homed so many lost souls such as myself.

The day of her wake I forgot the speech I had written up for her but luckily I remembered allot of it and managed to compose all of my words together the best I could when I gave my speech. Everyone was very shaken by everything but I really wanted everyone to talk and recall memories they had of her.. So I grabbed the lady that worked at the mortuary and asked her if we could turn down the music so we could say our goodbyes.. I took initiative and took the floor first so everyone could get their words together and so everyone could understand what she meant to me. Here is what I originally wrote up for her.

Laurie,

Laurie, was not just a mother she was a best friend to almost everyone she came into contact with. Anyone who came over to the house met her and she became the good friend to everyone. I was over almost every single weekend and sometimes through out the week. This family became mine. Mom, Matty, Tina, Catlin, and even the cats. I surrounded myself around these people who were so accepting and so loving towards me. In their eyes I’m sure they saw it as me coming over to hang out and have fun but to me it meant breaking away from a place with no joy and into a home that provided endless joy and fun. Like a child running to an abandoned circus where there’s no one but the acts hanging out and putting shows on for each other. We were all such characters when we got together..

Sometimes in life our hearts yearn for the love of someone else. The heart is the ultimate lover and betrayer. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Plenty of us will go wherever we’re loved and feel cared for, like a dog without a home. In a sense, this is how I felt.. Laurie showed me what “home is what you make it” really meant.. Home life wasn’t easy at all through out these times as a teenager and my escape was the home Laurie opened up for me. She took me in the first time I ever left home when I was 18 and even allowed me to bring my cat over for the time being which almost no one would do.. I remember waking up some mornings and going to the room to find her smoking so I’d join her on her bed, smoke a cigarette and watch TV with her and laugh about certain things and talk to her about relationships. She was very private and the things we discussed always stayed between us. We had so much in common, on views, relationships and our judgment of character. She was always looking for love, no matter what tough impression she put off she was a very strong lover at heart.. Other mornings I would wake up to go downstairs to find a huge stack of pancakes on the counter with eggs and bacon.. Those were the good times but Laurie was always in pain and there were those mornings you couldn’t escape the sound of her screams because of how much she was hurting. It would be bad enough to where she couldn’t go to work or walk and had to be helped around the house.. I know that where she is now is a place where physical pain does not exist so I’m sure we all know she is in a much better place..

Matty and Tina, you need to understand she loved you both so much and seriously just wanted the best for you guys. Her actions said it all because of how strong and visible her love was. You 2 were her life so as her life may be over, let the love she had for you guys encompass your heart to help make you strong and remind you she’ll always be with you. Don’t blame yourself for anything you might of done to disappoint her because she loved you both and just wanted you guys to be happy and well off. We all make mistakes so if you feel any resentment just let it go and let her love fill you and consume you as if she were still here. This won’t be easy to get past and you won’t get over the fact she’s gone but you’ll learn to cope with everything in your own unique way. Being an adult is going to kick in full force now so allow yourself some space to grow and don’t strain it.

Something we all need to understand is that, death is somewhere we are all headed so it’s nothing to fear because our time will come when it’s time to go but we all have to make the absolute most out of this life and remain happy and healthy and be physically and spiritually fit for god. Life is too short to wonder what’s going to happen when we go and life is too short to be making bad choices or regretting what we could and couldn’t have done. Everything happens in a sequence of ways where you will learn whatever lesson it is you need to learn whether it’s the easy way or the hard way. It’s up to you to put the puzzle of mistakes and lessons together and see what you get. The mentality we should stick to is what can we do right now to help ourselves and our situations in order to live a more prosperous and joyous life. 

I will never forget how great Laurie was to me and I will hold that close to me until the day I die because she invoked a happiness within me when she opened her doors for me and showed me what all is out there.. So this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later and the biggest thank you…

I knew going into this situation that I was going to have to be the stronger one for everyone. Funerals are something I don’t exactly know how to cope with because I mourn alone and quietly.. It’s hard for me to cry in front of people or show emotion… I’ve always been this way for some strange reason and have expressed this in previous posts more thoroughly. I guess it’s just in my Capricorn nature…

I just really wanted to be there for Matty and Tina since they were taking it really hard.. Matt especially.. Seeing him cry the way he did really took a blow at me because it made me feel what he was feeling and it was scary and extremely depressing at the same time. He’s been a best friend of mine for a good 7 years now so I knew I had to be there for him for both days. It’s the loyalty I have for he and his family and he needed all the support he could get.

Day of the burial

Day of the burial

I know I come off as tough and emotionless but I feel more then the average person and have a heart bigger then this city. I’m just an endless puzzle you have to put together in order to get results. Sometimes I break my own head trying to figure myself out. But being with the boys again really made me think clear and feel proud of who I am because I know by the speech I gave and by being there for everyone Laurie would of truly appreciated it if she could see it.. It made me see more of my character and the passion I have to care for other people..

I’ll be praying for the entire family and hoping they make it out of this in one piece..

RIP Laurie

Quote of the Day

“The heart is ultimately what feels everything. It’s hard to tell sometimes if what it’s feeling is true or false but when losing someone whether they die, you break up or simply part ways, the heart feels it all and the damage done can really change you.. Guard it with a shield of fire and loyalty and only give it away to those who truly deserve that love because the day you lose them regardless of the situation, its true nature of care and love will surface depending on its growth and strength revealing your true character of self… Wasted love strains and taints the heart confusing it so you want to keep it as pure as possible. Cherish and love the ones you care for deeply with no fear and always know that to every tear down, there’s a rebuild..”